Tuesday, September 29, 2015

We grew up way too fast...And now there's nothing to believe...And reruns all become our history

I am empty.

I am broken.

I don't have anything left to give anyone and yet little by little I allow people to chip away at what is left. That is my bad. 

I wake up in fear.

Between 5 and 6 a.m. I wake up in a state of panic...how will the day go -will Andrew be frantic and swinging. Will I get breakfast fast enough so I can give him his meds? The moments until the jumping stops and the meds kick in - will I be patient? Will breakfast be okay - nothing soggy or floppy or smells bad? Dear God, let the pancakes be adequate. Will this be the day that I lose it? I don't want to lose it. There is nothing left to lose.

Did I count his meds correctly? I doubt everything and everyone. I doubt myself.

I face the morning- I get Jim out the door and Andrew to school, I do my errands and come home to quiet.

Blissful quiet.

I glance at the clock every twenty minutes- only so many minutes left. Tick. Tick. Tick. Enjoy them.  Clean.  Bake.  Cook.  Laundry.  Write.  Review.  Post.  Try to figure out how to make a career out of nothing.  I need something.

11:30 a.m. hits like a surprise rain -- unprepared and drowning my time is up - I have 15 minutes before I need to pick Andrew up for meds and a lunch break.  Will he come down when I need to take him back to school.  Will he be upset - and screaming and go back in a bad mood and then get himself in trouble? Please don't let the phone ring - please don't let it be a 303 number, the school.

Dear Lord please make him have a successful time with whatever obsession he is buried in - whatever game - whatever fucking clan. Always the fucking games. The iPad will it lag? Oh God, don't let it lag. We limit the time on the games but he loves them. 

6:30 Jim will be coming home soon. Will Andrew act up - will there be screaming.  Will I scream? How many hours until it is time for bed?

Sleep -- bed.  It doesn't come easy. I delay sleep.  With sleep comes the morning and I hate the morning. 


  1. The strength you share and continue to muster each and everyday is astounding. At yet, you still have time to do so much for so many. I only hope you feel the love that so many others have for you, and the strength we try to nourish you with, even if it's only by word or a virtual hug.

    1. Renee just posted everything I feel in my heart Miss Jenny. Sending you a big virtual hug with lots of love and a couple of angels to help carry you through

  2. You are one of the strongest women I know. You deal with all you do with dignity. Your sense of humor helps you to succeed and continue to remain strong despite the difficulties you face daily. You are not alone in this because we who know you will be hear to comfort you, laugh with you, and even cry with you if you need us. We pray for you to continue to succeed. You are a blessing for you child and he is a better person because he has you for his mom. Hang in there. I know you will continue to succeed and come of victorious.

  3. I think you need to add some space in there for a good long soothing drink. Don't doubt...your more in control than you think and doing an awesome job across the board. And always try to offset the bad and add in the fun thoughts and sweet things about Andrew, He is truly one special beautiful little boy. And note it always works it self out in the end. xoxo

  4. I am so glad you started writing again, we'll writing for YOU I mean. Know this.
    You are amazing. Far and away fucking amazing! You handle it all, everyone around you. YOU are their backbone. You are their everything. You are the glue holding it all together. And that is hard. Crazy freaking hard. I don't know how you do it other than your superwoman. Sending you big hugs, lots of love, and a tall stiff and strong drink. You've got this. You are the strongest woman. I've ever known and will ever know! I love you xoxo

  5. Jenny, your life is incredibly hard. Only you and God really know how hard. The rest of us can only guess.Through everything you were given a gift. Your strength and your will are your gifts the ability to push and persevere when many of us would have given up. They are blessings even if you can't see or feel them everyone around you can. You are a safe harbour for not only Andrew but many others, your spirit is truly amazing. We love you and to the best of our abilities try to understand your anguish and pain. One day,I know things will be better. I believe it with my whole heart. _💜

  6. It gets better, Jenny, believe me it does get better.

  7. You are awesome, Jenny. Nobody does it better!

  8. You are amazing. Always a prayer for you and Andrew and Jim.