Tuesday, December 8, 2015

Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little ... Can barely stand on my feet

Why do I feel guilty about sharing my pain? I grow so exhausted reading everyone's request for prayers - my aunt has an ingrown toe nail her - send prayers. Yes, there are legitimate prayer requests out there - and those folks get my prayers - but there are people that post every day asking for someone to pray for their relative that has the sniffles --- I have no prayers left. I don't want to be one of those people. I have weak moments and I post that I am falling apart or empty and then I remove it - because who the hell really cares? Seriously? Is anyone going to lose sleep because I'm falling apart? No, and I don't expect them to but if I don't release some of this worry and pain at least through words I will surely crumble into a pile of dust and tears.

For the last decade - I have died a little each day. With Andrew's diagnosis - we take two steps forward and forty paces back it seems. The school wants to move him to another class in another city - with all special needs kids - his brilliance is being tampered by his outbursts. 

About a month ago - I received a call - "come to the school immediately" - they were evacuating two classrooms because Andrew couldn't stop cursing - he was so angry and I was the only one that could calm him down. We made medication changes and he was doing better. Yesterday he apparently had an eight minute (now they are timing them) cursing session and tried to go after another child - not in a way to hurt the child but in the way our dog - acts like he is Cujo but really is Lassie.

As I am drafting this - I received a call from the school - he had another meltdown - cursing, pushing three students - I had to rush there.The faces of the office staff as I walk in - dear Lord - I wish I could disappear. I thank God, the same God who seems to be not listening to my prayers, that no one was hurt.

We have given up the fight - we are going forward with moving him to the other school. We have no choice. His mental illness is killing all of us, one day at a time. The school official and I agree it is like he almost blacks out when he has these outbursts -- that he immediately feels horrible about them but can't remember all the details. I remember the details. They haunt me day and night. 

I am not a religious fanatic. I believe in God. I pray and pray and pray and nothing changes.If he can't help Andrew's mental illness, autism and other issues - at least can he throw me the lotto numbers? 

Lord what you're doing to me 
I have spent all my years in believing you


  1. oh my sweet amazing strong and wonderful Jenny. You are no alone. write me when you need to vent. I am here for you anytime, anytime at all. I can say "I'm so sorry you are going through this" till I am blue in the face but the truth is that is doesn't help you and for that I am sorry. I wish with all my might I could make this better for you, that there was a magic wand I could wave to take this pain away from you all, but there isn't, and that just isn't fucking fair. it isn't fucking fair that you go through this all the time, every single day. it's not fair to any of you, and that sucks so very much. Vent, Vent Vent! Vent every day and every moment you need to. make a special friends list that only certain people can see, anything you need to do. text me, call me, message me, call me and scream or cry, anything you need. I love you and I am here for you and I wish beyond anything I could make this better for you. xoxoxo love you

  2. I love you, and am keeping you all close in my heart. ❤️

  3. I wish I had an answer. I don't. Sometimes Life just keeps kicking us when we're down. I don't know what lesson we're supposed to learn from the pain, the disappointment, the loss. Just know you are loved and you can pick up the phone, hit my number and scream, swear, cry as loud as long as you need to.... no questions asked. Just a shoulder for you.

  4. Jenny, This broke my heart. I thought I had a bad day until I read your blog. You are a wonderful mother, and Andrew is trying to behave. God bless you and your family. I hope the new school can help Andrew.

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  6. foodiejudieDecember 8, 2015 at 5:28 PM
    My dearest dearest Jenny, you do not have to ask for my prayers, you and Andrew are in them daily, if ever someone deserves to be listened to it is you. I do not know how you manage day to day to live with this pain, the terror , the heartache. Never feel you have to delete your posts, you are sharing the pain that so many people in your position do not have the courage to articulate . I wish I could offer advise, I have no words of wisdom, but, I do offer you and Andrew my love.

  7. Jenny, I'm so sorry you are having to make this tough decision. I can relate to dealing with mental illness in the family, but I know it is much, much harder when you are the caretaker-mom. I wish the best for Andrew in his own school. Now I'm going to say something that a lot of moms have a hard time with: You are also very important. Your life and your need for less stress is very important for your family, but also for YOU. Always keeping you and Andrew in my thoughts, Christine

  8. I am in awe of your strength, especially in being able to put anguished thoughts into words, which allows us to walk - an inch or two? - in your shoes. I'm not religious, but I do love that Footprints In The Sand poem (http://www.onlythebible.com/Poems/Footprints-in-the-Sand-Poem.html), the idea of it is awesome. The school sounds as if they get it, even though they have required a change, unlike what has happened to this man's son who has autism: https://www.change.org/p/our-autistic-son-s-symptoms-are-not-a-crime. Onward!